


Hurt in your heart

by jsiung



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: All I can write is angst, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, Short Drabbles, i think thats it, if needed, light fluff, this will mainly be angst, trigger warnings will be at the start, you’ve been warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-08 10:24:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17384741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jsiung/pseuds/jsiung
Summary: And the light faded until it was no more.





	1. Alone, again.

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter will contain mentions of elimination, but not of felix or minho!!

He tried his best.

he really did, he promises.

But sometimes your best just isn’t enough.

Years of training, of making sure he could be the best possible version of himself, of making sure that his raps had no flaws, his voice just the right tone, years of his life he will never get back, all down the drain. All those years gone to waste as he stands in front of the CEO, cameras catching everyones reaction as he’s told he isn’t good enough. As he’s told he wont debut with the people he called his family.

As his world crashes down right where he stands.

 

When the CEO leaves Chan is the first one to move, but instead of comforting the seventeen year old he walks out the door, Changbin following him. Leaving Jisung in the room with the others.

Felix walks over to him and wordlessly pulls him into a tight embrace. Felix and him had spent nights awake, talking at 02:34 AM about the world. What it means to be alive and how this world has things planned for them. Maybe this was what was planned for him.

Felix doesn’t let go as the rest of the boys come over to join the hug, all of them just holding each other and supporting Jisung. He doesn’t even have the strength in him to hold them back, instead all he can manage is to lean his head on the broader shoulder of Felix. Not wanting to be seen crying.

Its about five minutes later when they pull away, all needing to go back to the dorm. Somewhere jisung will never be again. The manager come in to tell him that his stuff is in the reception of the building, having already been taken out before he found out about the elimination. He can taste something bitter fill his mouth.

He waits behind for a few minutes after the rest leave, wanting to take a final look around the dance studio before heading off to the music studio Chan, Changbin and him always used to create the music for 3RACHA. Jisung would miss coming into the studio at 04:00 AM when Chan called them about a new idea of a song they could write. The memory turning from fond to bittersweet in an instant.

 

Jisung took his time collecting everything he owned from there, not wanting to leave quite yet. As he put his last belonging in the box the door opened, a red eyed Chan came in with a sniffling Changbin. He dropped the box and ran over to embrace both the boys, tears finally spilling free as the cameras where nowhere to be seen.

“I’m so sorry hyungs, I tried so hard.” He sobbed out, holding tighter onto them.

“You done so well Sung,” Chan spoke, voice weak, “So, so well you have nothing to be sorry for.”

Changbin spoke next, breaking the hug slightly to look at Jisung.

“We will always be here for you, okay?” He took a shaky breath “No matter what you choose to do now.”

Jisung just let out a sob in return. He didn’t want to leave them. Any of them.

 

 

Chan and Changbin helped him carry his box downstairs to get his other stuff, taking everything out to the car that was set up to take him home. This was it.

“I love you so much hyungs.” He said as he put the last bag in the trunk, the driver closing it over and walking back to start up the car.

“We love you so, so much too sung, please never forget that.” Changbin let Chan do the talking as he tried to hold back his tears, nodding along to what he was saying.

“I’ll never forget either of you, I promise.” He gave them one last hug before getting in the car, trying his hardest not to breakdown as he shut the door.

 

And as the car drove off, making its way back to his home city he allowed himself to close his eyes, getting ready for the long drive back. The sound of the road was the only thing he could hear.

Sometimes, things just aren’t meant to be.


	2. Work to be Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/// topic of eating disorders! 
> 
> please skip this chapter if that will trigger you or make you uncomfortable, thank you.

He needed to work harder. Needed to be better

Jisung knew, in his heart, that he was lacking something the other members did not. No matter how many times he heard the opposite his opinion would never change, it always remained the same and motivated him to try and reach their level. He knew exactly what he was lacking in, talent. This made it easier to achieve his goals, made it easier to improve himself.

He doesn’t know how, but an obsession with his appearance formed along side his other problem and suddenly he had a new goal to add to the list. Had his cheeks always been so chubby? Did his thighs always touch like that? Was his stomach always so protruding?

He needed to fix this.

 

It was easier to work on himself in the run up to a comeback or during promotions, nobody was really paying attention to how little he ate or getting worried about how long he would practise every night. Now, however, they had no promotions or constant practise. JYP had allowed them to have a short couple week break after how successful they had been in 2018. This made things much harder.

 

“Hey Jisung, wanna join us for dinner?” Was what he heard when he entered the dorm, returning back from a nine hour practise session he had alone. Jisung grimaced.

“No thank you hyung, I was planning on taking a shower then heading to bed.” Jisungs voice sounded hoarse.

The others shared worried glances as he walked past them, heading out of their sight.

“Come on Sungie, please. You haven’t ate all day and practised for so long.” Chans voice sounded desperate, like he was begging. Jisung hated it.

“Seriously hyung I’ll be fine, I had something during a break at the cafe.” No one believed him. But they let it go. Jisung was thankful.

He filled up his water bottle and headed to his room, getting ready for his shower. Oblivious to the commotion in the living area.

 

“Hyung, I’m worried about Jisungie Hyung.” Jeongins voice broke the silence, worried eyes flicking back and forth between members.

No one knew what to say.

“So are we Jeongin, we just don’t know how to help.” Woojins voice held emotions nobody else knew.

Everyone went back to silently eating, the topic still in their head.

 

Jisung finished logging his meals for the day, rubbing the towel against is slowly drying wet hair. He was so tired. Was this even worth it? He could die, he could lose everything he worked so hard to get for himself, he could lose his friends. But then the voices came back.

_Don’t you want to look perfect?_

_To be perfect?_

_The other members are probably so embarrassed to be around you._

_You're weak Jisung._

_Work harder._

They were right, he was pathetic and weak, he needed to be his absolute best for the boys and their fans and he couldn’t do that with how badly he was performing.

He let out a sigh as he turned the bedroom lights off, sleep coming easily to his fatigued body.

 

Jisung was the first awake, always had been. He walked quietly over to the bathroom and got undressed, doing the toilet and then pulling the scale out from where they kept it.

Taking a deep breath, he stepped onto the scale and broke into a grin, more results. After stepping on and off a few more times to make sure, he finally put his clothes back on and tip-toed back into his room, logging his progress into his phone.

 

_09/01 - 50.8kg_

Jisung was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! ive been feeling hhhh bad?? so i wrote this,,, schools been really tough so updates might not be as frequent so im sorry abt that!!
> 
> thank you for ready, comments and kudos always appreciated xx


	3. My dearest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Yours truly'

_‘To my dearest Jeonginnie, I hope this reaches you safely._

_I apologise for leaving you so early, please do know how much i dearly miss you. We had such fond memories together, memories I hope you will never forget. But please, Nini, move on from me. Don’t hold yourself back from meeting new people and falling in love jus because I am no longer here. I so desperately want you to feel happiness in a way i could never truly give you. Its all you have ever deserved._

_I remember first meeting you. The bus was late and so was I for my job interview, I was soaking wet and close to tears when you came next to me holding an umbrella over my head. It was love at first sight for me, was it the same for you? I really did (and still do) believe that you hung the stars from the sky, how could one person be so beautiful but still be from the same planet the rest of us were from? We got on the same bus and talked about nothing, the cheesy way you asked for my number is something i’ll never forget, how are you so young yet so greasy?_

_We would talk all night and I had never been happier, it only got better when you asked me on a date. But some things don’t last. I’m sorry Jeongin, for not saying goodbye. Its what is best for all of us._

_I’m finally free from this world, I tried so hard to hold on for you but my grip was becoming loose with each passing day. We all have to let go sometimes. I’m resting well now, you don’t need to worry for me anymore, be happy without me._

_My dearest jeonginnie, I will love you for eternity._

 

_Yours truly_

_\- Jisung’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhh this is rlly short but ive been feeling horrible all day n sorta needed to write smth like this to feel a lil better, ive ben havin bad writers block but hopefully itll clear up soon!!!
> 
> follow my twitter @1isung

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!!! i decided i didnt wanna post angst in my other oneshot book so i made this instead! this one might be updated more frequently but hey... content is content right? many of these will just be short angsty drabbles because thats what i like to write!!
> 
> thank u for reading and please give me feedback! xx


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